Yesterday, I was dying dead.

Not to be dramatic, but I nearly died yesterday. It started Sunday night very innocently when my precious in-laws invited Ben, Darcy, and I to dinner along with Ben’s two brothers and sister-in-law. I REALLY needed to study because I had a huge comprehensive Pharmacology final the following morning at 8:50, BUT I’m both a procrastinator (like I could win an Olympic gold in procrastination) and a sucker for food, and going out to eat sounded like too much fun. Dinner was great! I got fried shrimp because that’s what baby wanted, mac and cheese because that’s what I wanted, and a salad because I figured my heart needed some kind of vegetable.

I don’t know which one did it, but I awoke around 3:00am feeling…off. Now, this pregnant lady wakes up almost hourly to use the bathroom, but this was a different kind of wakeup. I tossed and turned and felt progressively worse until about 5:45 when I broke out in a sweat and my stomach went *GASHMERGLE.* Oh, you know what I mean. It’s when your stomach does that churny, gurgly thing and you know that whatever is about to go down is going. to. be. bad. I raced to the bathroom and was violently ill. As a three-time veteran of the first trimester of pregnancy, I am familiar with vomiting. But this was brutal. I pathetically lay in the bathroom floor feeling miserable, but mostly sorry for myself because A) When you are pregnant and throw-up, you often (always) pee yourself and B) I suspected this plague was far from over. Unfortunately, I was right because I still had to take that final.

I had planned to get up early and study for my final, but mostly I just ran back and forth to the bathroom wondering how in the hell I was even going to TAKE the final. You see, my university utilizes ProctorU which is essentially satan’s handmaiden an online proctoring service that watches the test taker (me) via webcam with access to my desktop to ensure my “academic honesty.” Basically I was worried I was going to barf or poop myself via webcam. The first would be bad, the second might get me dismissed from the program–or made famous on Youtube in not a good way.

My proctor, lets refer to her as Jane, was super irritating. She spotted a piece of trash clear across the room, made me bring it to the webcam screen, and shred it before proceeding. It was a Walmart receipt. Definite contraband. Jane then stopped me 5 minutes into my test to reload the video screen which took an additional 5 minutes. “You are living on borrowed time, JANE!” She also made me turn my pencil in all different ways to ensure answers weren’t hidden on it. She basically sucked at life, and I almost wanted to barf directly on her. Luckily for her, my prayers worked, and the garbage cans beside me were spared! The best news is I passed the final! The bad news is that food poisoning sucks really badly at any time, but even worse when you’re 18 weeks pregnant, and have to take a web-cam proctored final. It sucked like a mutha-trucka, for sure. All the praise hands for Phenergan and a mother-in-law who took care of Darcy. Also for my own mother for bringing me a car, but that’s another post for another day.  Luckily I’m much better today, or I might actually be dead.

Oh, I semi-started my new job today. I’m super excited to exit the hospital-scene for the opportunity to be a school nurse. I’ll keep the blog updated as I get into the job a little more. Beware fried shrimp, mac and cheese, and/or salad. It could almost kill you on the inside, where it counts. Love to all!